Tag Archive | The Onion

“Avoid unkind generalizations like equating the jailing of ethnic minorities with some malevolent form of fascism.”

Talking about imprisoned immigrants at the protest last week, a Jewish woman read this poem.

So yeah, I’ve sent $18 each to HOLA Ohio, Kids In Need Of Defense, Advocates for Basic Legal Equality, and the Ohio ACLU.

“The medical staffing shortage is of particular concern. This week, initial tests for tuberculosis came back positive for some new arrivals, and further testing will be required to determine whether they might be contagious. Other immigrants have arrived with rashes and skin legions, which are “basically being put on hold because we don’t have the medical staff to treat them,” says Kostelnik.

“A week later, Mr. Garcia was still being held by immigration officials, and his family was preparing to spend Father’s Day without him. […] Mr. Garcia’s case appears to show just how sweeping ICE can be in making arrests regardless of an immigrant’s legal status or how long ago their criminal case was resolved.

The service members affected by the recent discharges all enlisted in recent years under a special program aimed at bringing medical specialists and fluent speakers of 44 sought-after languages into the military.” This is so transparently, blatantly not about making us safer.

Civility tips from The Onion: “Avoid unkind generalizations like equating the jailing of ethnic minorities with some malevolent form of fascism.”

There’s only one rule that I know of, babies—God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.

Political miscellanea.

News hoaxes are starting to spread faster among liberals, in part because Trump’s reality is so outrageously terrible that nothing sounds fake anymore. Be careful to double-check.

From the night before the election: Anons recall their first impressions of Trump and Clinton.

Warning people “some politically motivated groups are spreading lies about this fact” makes people less susceptible to lies about the fact. (No word yet on how to make people less susceptible to the obvious counter-tactic, i.e. falsified warnings that the facts are politically motivated lies….)

Trump fires one of Ben Carson’s trusted aides for disagreeing with him. Ben Carson is stunned and bewildered that his people are not exempt from Trump’s vindictiveness. Reality check, you moron: NOBODY is exempt from Trump’s vindictiveness. He is not your friend. He is nobody’s friend.

The Onion’s Jimmy Carter: “Did you worry I might be cutting deals in back rooms with the peanut butter lobby? Or that I might be too busy at harvest time to focus on the economy or the Middle East?”

“In consultation with the team of Illuminati, demons and robo-Hitlers who have been supervising Hillary Clinton’s progress…”

The Onion: “Saying he hoped the Republican nominee could clear up the matter for American voters, moderator Anderson Cooper reportedly began the second presidential debate Sunday night by giving Donald Trump the opportunity to explain exactly what the fuck is wrong with him.”

A secret history of the truth about Hillary Clinton. (1980: “In consultation with the team of Illuminati, demons and robo-Hitlers who have been supervising Hillary Clinton’s progress thus far, her robotic shell is replaced with another, different one that does not wear glasses and is blonder. The people of Arkansas consider this an improvement, although they complain about its inability to bake.”)

The best of #TrumpBookReport. (“It took Low Energy Harry Potter 7 books to defeat Voldermort. Sad! I would have beat him in the first book!”)

Meanwhile, in Real News That Sounds Like A Joke:

“On Wednesday, Congress was so determined to pass a law to sue Saudi Arabia that it overrode President Barack Obama’s veto. But possible backlash against America had top Republican leaders looking for someone else to blame [September 30]. And they appear to have settled on Obama.”

A Trump-vs-Clinton history matchup, comparing what the two were doing in various years.

Video after Pence’s showing at the VP debate: “Trump never said that” intercut with times when Trump said that.

Clinton’s plan will create 3.2 million jobs; Trump can’t even pay the performers at his own rallies

And it’s not just any performers Trump won’t pay. It’s adorable little girls. “In an article posted this morning, Jeff Popick, the man who wrote the song and the father of the youngest Freedom Girl, informed the Washington Post that he plans to sue Trump over promises Popick says were made and then broken by the campaign.” Oh, and he’s trying to stiff a hotel that hosted a campaign event, too.

A 74-page document that’s nothing but links to terrible things Trump has said and done. And growing.

“The results of an online survey conducted by Teaching Tolerance suggest that the campaign is having a profoundly negative effect on children and classrooms. It’s producing an alarming level of fear and anxiety among children of color and inflaming racial and ethnic tensions in the classroom. Many students worry about being deported.”

“While working on “The Art of the Deal,” Schwartz kept a journal in which he expressed his amazement at Trump’s personality, writing that Trump seemed driven entirely by a need for public attention. “All he is is ‘stomp, stomp, stomp’—recognition from outside, bigger, more, a whole series of things that go nowhere in particular,” he observed, on October 21, 1986.”

On the flip side: “Clinton’s promise is a big one, but that doesn’t mean it’s an empty one. This morning, Moody’s Analytics released a report concluding that Clinton’s economic plan would create 3.2 million jobs and accelerate growth of the nation’s gross domestic product (GDP). By contrast, earlier this month, a similar (albeit contested) Moody’s analysis of Trump’s economic plan estimated that it would reduce employment (by about 3.5 million jobs), reduce economic output, and prompt a painful recession.”

It was determined the T-shirt was offensive to some people and so the decision was made to pull it from the sales floor.” The text” Someday a woman will be president.” The year: 1995. How far we’ve come.

“I cannot walk into a room with pictures of Humayun. For all these years, I haven’t been able to clean the closet where his things are — I had to ask my daughter-in-law to do it. Walking onto the convention stage, with a huge picture of my son behind me, I could hardly control myself. What mother could? Donald Trump has children whom he loves. Does he really need to wonder why I did not speak?” This woman’s strength is incredible. Dishonor and shame on anyone who attacks her.

I want to live in The Onion’s uniferse: “Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself ‘Why can I never seem to say the right thing?‘ while weeping into his pillow.”

Giant rubble LEGOs, ocean plastic filters, job creation, swords into ploughshares, and other good things.

Turning earthquake rubble into pseudo-Lego bricks, then using them to build new houses. Apparently they even meet serious construction safety standards.

Launching in 2016: a fast and (by all estimates) wildly effective ocean-cleanup array, designed to filter all that plastic we’ve been dumping into our waters.

Every article that discusses pros and “cons” of the SNAP program should open with this: “The USDA estimates that every dollar in SNAP spending generates $1.79 in economic activity. ‘People think of it as a drain,” says the Urban Institute’s [Elaine] Waxman, “but it’s an economic generator.'”

“The study by the Colorado Health Foundation found that the Medicaid expansion created 31,074 new jobs and added $3.8 billion in economic activity.

“Owner of Coastal Kitchen & Mioposto says [of raising the city minimum wage is] that he “certainly won’t open another business in our beloved Seattle”… then opens two more businesses in Seattle.”

San Francisco cops talk a suicidal man down from a ledge…with the help of his cat.

Trump (and Ben Carson) are record-setting in terms of how many lies they tell. The silver lining is that, for politicians, both Bernie and Hillary fare pretty well.

“In an echo of the Biblical vision of beating swords into ploughshares, the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department in California said [last July] it would melt approximately 3,400 confiscated firearms and use the steel as concrete reinforcement.

Some delight from the Onion: “Organizers confirmed President Obama has greeted heads of state from more than 2,000 alternative realities, a gathering of leaders that includes 139 different versions of himself, a parallel U.S. president Mitt Romney, a pulsing being of pure electrostatic energy, Earth-7491’s King Lyndon B. Johnson IV, and a hooded group of unspeaking figures known only as “the Council.””